Facebook, Marriages and Political Correctness.

There's an emergent branch of social behaviour which I summarize as - How to Behave on Facebook when you're Married. Being in a state that is not even in the same galaxy as 'married', these are merely my observations. 

Some Basics 

'Like' every status update of your spouse. It's apparently a reaffirmation of the relationship. The one you just cemented by MARRYING them. But still, why take chances. Since it's quite unlikely you live in the same house, it's perfectly understandable that they might not know you like what they said. Just to make it doubly sure you could comment on it too. 

'Like' every picture posted by your spouse. Especially if it's of a meal lovingly cooked or a present thoughtfully bought by her/him. Extra points if you're the one posting the pic and then thanking your better half publicly by tagging them. Because what good is a thank you when not subject to the admiration of everyone on your friend list. 

Be proficient at judging the other person's mood by carefully monitoring their facebook updates. If they posted a ':(' on their wall or an update about their day, which you missed out because you couldn't be bothered to check were working - be warned!  "But it was on my FaceBook", has been recently inducted into the 'Glossary of Valid Arguments' by the Worldwide Associate of Marriage Counselors. 

The icing

On anniversaries and more importantly birthdays you have to wish your spouse by updating your own status and mentioning her/him in it. You can post on their wall in addition, but only posting on their wall just won't do. It's sort of like when tabloids and gossip magazines publish birthday wishes for celebrities and then give their readers the option of wishing them too in their comment section. 

The cherry

This, pardon my bakery analogies, really takes the cake. Extra brownie points all round and pretty high returns when you invest a little bit of time 'liking' and dropping in a few comments on the posts/photos/activities of the extended family.   A quick guide:

Siblings & Parents - Always 'like'. Frequently comment. Tag them in a post or two and you're golden. 

Cousins - 'Like', without fail. Invite them to visit you at every chance you get. Even if it's while commenting on their picture of a manhole cover they found particularly interesting. 

Aunts & Uncles - 'Like' most of the time. Always wish them on anniversaries and birthdays. Throw in an occasional comment on how they are getting younger by the day. 

I dare say someday I might be guilty of some or all the above. When that happens,  Orwellian-like, I will come back and delete this post. 

Motel Life

When dinner is a diet coke and a KitKat from the vending machine. And just to give your life that extra, thrilling edge you get the extra crispy KitKat.

Cliches that make me cringe

1. Time flies : it doesn't. Not always. Sometimes it crawls excruciatingly slowly. Yes, I used a double adverb. It flies only in hindsight when you have the luxury of not feeling like you're tied to chair with a fire lit beneath it and watching an ant crawl across a barbed wire fence and only when the ant makes it safely to the other side can you be untied from the chair. I often used to get this feeling in an Organic Chemistry class.

2. Last but not the least: Overdone, inelegant and gives the feeling of the speaker or writer apologizing when there is no need.

3. Life is a roller coaster: What was the the equivalent of this phrase before roller coasters were invented?

4. You live and learn: Speaking entirely from personal experience - I beg to differ. I like Douglas Adams' take on it - "You live and learn. At any rate, you live."

5. Tomorrow is another day: Well, unless you're The Doctor, it can't be the same day can it?

Displaced Desi... or When I Became a Statistic

It's been almost a year since I moved to Detroit from Pune and to my horror I've realized that I've become a faceless, nameless statistic with a certain set of characteristics that hold true for that particular set. 

I am now an IT employee who has relocated from 'offshore' to 'onsite' in an intra company transfer to work at a 'client site' in America. In my own head I used to have a very clear definition of people who fell under this category and all the cliches and quirks attached to their life and behaviour in the US. The only comfort (if at all) I derive out of the realization that a lot of these cliches have come to hold true for me as well is that at least I'm self aware. It's sort of like watching yourself fall off a cliff in slow motion and deriving some sort of perverse satisfaction from the fact that you can see yourself falling unlike some poor idiot who is falling and doesn't know it. 

So in order to evaluate how badly I have fallen I decided to run a checklist culled from my definition and see how I measure up. 

1.  Moves to America and tries to find an apartment where loads of Indians live. They won't mind the food smell so much.
   Check. Partially correct but because the place where tons of Indians were living had no vacancy, I'm in a marginally more diverse place. 
2. Has a Vonage connection to call family.
   Check
3. One of the first things bought by them is an iPhone
   Check
4. Abuses the quality of Indian food in the Indian restaurants and ends up eating in one once a week at the least anyway.
   Check
5. Drives a Japanese or German car.
   Check
6. Must see places are: New York, Florida, Las Vegas in no particular order.
   Haven't fallen for this trap. Yet. 
7.  This one doesn't apply to me because it's an observation about guys in their mid to late twenties, typically on long terms projects: Moves to America, value in marriage market goes up as duly noted on their biodata by specifying type of visa and salary in dollars. After a year or two gets sick and bored of doing household chores and cooking and being lonely, goes back to India for 10 days, sees 40 girls, picks one to marry/someone agrees to marry him, brings her to America on a dependent visa and proceeds to daily enjoy a 3 course homemade lunch in office from then on. 
8. Is in terror of his/her clothes smelling like Indian spices and has a wholesale stock of Febreeze at any given point in time.
   More or less!
9. At least one weekend a month the day's activities consist of mostly: Calling India for a few hours from aforesaid Vonage connection, spending  2 hours in Walmart, 1 hour in the Indian grocery store, watching the pirated DVD of the latest Hindi movie
   Not guilty of too many of these except the India calling
10. Will make the maximum use of facilities like public libraries, rec areas and state parks, community centers and all such places which are funded by 'their' tax dollars.
    Hell yes